Dog days of winter

Laziness is the rule rather than the exception, except when I go out and tear around in the snow like a mad dog.

You want poem parodies? You want articulate, insightful essays? You do? Show me how much you want one of those little treats from me. Go on. Beg.

Silent Night?

Sometimes you have to stay one step ahead of the humans. Mom (otherwise known as the human goddess) brought out that dreaded (not to mention ridiculous) music again. Christmas Unleashed by the Jingle Dogs. Bark bark bark. Woof woof woof. Hoooowwwwl. Even a few meows thrown in to add insult to ear injury. "Waltz of the Snowflakes"? "The Nutcracker March"? "Ding Dong Merrily on High"?

Mom watched my sister and me expectantly. She wanted us to bark, I just knew it. Or maybe do that real cute quizzical head-cocking thing we do when we hear something weird.

We did something way cooler.

Nothing. No reaction. We unequivocally ignored the music. Ignored it? We didn't even hear it. We pretended we were sleeping.

Sometimes you have to ignore bad behavior in humans. Responding only encourages them.

The Persistence of Memory

Or, The Persistence of Me. Remember the Hershey bar pillow? It's mine now. I knew they would give in and let me use it. I like to jump up on the bed and drape myself across the Hershey pillow just like the dogs in the picture are draped over tree branches. You know, like the melting clocks in the original Salvador Dali painting.

It's hard to take a picture of me stretched out lazily on the Hershey bar pillow because I snap to attention in the presence of a camera. Maybe someday I'll cooperate and strike the right pose.

Rabbit season

My sister found something in the yard. It was moving around in the grass. She picked it up in her mouth and it started squeaking frantically! She thought it would be a good idea to bring this squeaking thing into the house.

Our humans said "No." Sister put the thing down and they made us go inside. We sat around looking guilty.

The humans decided the squeaky thing was a baby bunny. It had no fur and its ears were stuck down on its head. It was tiny and pathetic. They were afraid it would die out there in the yard, alone. They said my sister probably wanted to take care of it. I thought she wanted to eat it.

We coaxed the baby bunny into a safe place in the yard, right near one of the places where rabbits pop up out of the ground. Then we made the place even safer by putting a little fence around it. That fence is too small too stop dogs or anything from getting in. It must be a psychological barrier, but it works for me.

Later a normal-size rabbit was sitting inside the fence! And the next time we looked, there were even more baby bunnies wriggling around in the same place. Three or four of them. It was silly because the big rabbit looked like a stupid chicken hatching some eggs.

Spring forward, time warp

Humans and clocks. Pathetic.

Remember last fall when they set the clocks back? I thought we would starve. Waiting an extra hour for dinner is a huge annoyance.

So, here's the weird part: I thought it would be great to get fed an hour early when they set the clocks forward last week for Daylight Savings Time, but Sister and I didn't even notice. We jumped around and made hungry faces at the usual time. Even though the clocks were changed, it didn't feel special. The humans were puzzled. They were all smug, thinking we'd be surprised to get served dinner "early." We didn't realize that the sun was setting later. So much for being rugged dogs who live by the sundial. The human goddess says we must be using "context clues" to tell time. Are we really that domesticated?

Me, evil?

Time for a quiz...
How Evil Are You?

I am 22% evil! Here are some excerpts, with my answers:

You've broken the law (A minor ordinance or two)
You've looked at nudie pics online (Only by accident)
You've secretly wished someone harm (Never)
You've kissed someone you shouldn't be kissing (Yeah... I'm affectionate)
You've killed a bug (In self-defense)
You've spit in someone's drink (Maybe a little drool)
You've called someone the "c" word (Cat??? I'd never call someone a cat.)
You've made a promise you knew you were going to break (Not intentionally)
You've done the "walk of shame" (I'm fearless and I have no shame.)
You've shoplifted or stolen from someone (Shoes are my specialty.)
You've vandalized someone's car or house (I shredded a few books and peed in the house.)
You've blamed a fart on someone else (Heh heh, it was the broccoli.)
You have a nemesis (The mailman)
You are disgusted by weak people (No, I love them, they're easy to manipulate.)

What is a pillow?

The dictionary says a pillow is "a support for the head of a reclining person; especially: one consisting of a cloth bag filled with feathers, down, sponge rubber, or plastic fiber."

We have a pillow that looks like an enormous Hershey bar. It's probably three feet long. This pillow is very very very soft. It's fluffy and cushiony and the cloth is velvety. I reclined on this pillow once. It supported my lazy bones and caressed the exposed skin of my belly. I think I love this pillow.

The human goddess walked into the room. She was annoyed. "Get off that Hershey pillow! It's a decorative pillow. It's not made for a twenty-pound dog to sit on and squash."

What a meanie. And so misguided.

"Decorative pillow" is an oxymoron.

Dog personality test

To analyze your dog, click here.
__________________________________________________________
My results:

DOGGY DRIVES
Prey = 45
Pack = 65
Fight = 55
Flight = 10

Your dog is probably not easily motivated by food* or other objects, but is also not easily distracted by moving objects. Your dog responds readily to praise and touch, likes to be with you and will respond with little guidance.

*As you can imagine, I fooled the experts without even trying. Food is the Great Motivator, all dogs know this.

Pets losing battle of the bulge

LONDON (Reuters) - Just like their owners, a growing number of British pets are becoming obese and face chronic illnesses such as heart complaint, diabetes and arthritis, according to research Friday. A survey of British vets and owners showed that one in three pets, or 33 percent, were considered overweight and 38 percent of pet owners said their animals put on weight over Christmas.
Despite this, few owners plan to put their pets on a diet. "Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period," said Frances Wright at Halifax Pet Insurance, who conducted the survey. The survey said signs of obesity included a sagging stomach, bulging sides and a reluctance to take exercise.

There's one word for this situation: irresponsibility. YOU are responsible for what your pet eats and whether your pet gets enough exercise. Dogs want to be healthy but we don't understand calories and fat intake. Food is hard to resist. Don't stuff your pets with table scraps and pizza crusts.

To learn more, download the free Canine Obesity Prevention Pack from the Chartered Society of Physiotherapy.

Dog meditation

I do this sometimes. No, really. It usually coincides with the event called the Pile. Meditation happens when the male human listens to music. He lies on his back with his eyes closed and his arms folded across his chest. He looks like he's about to levitate any minute, but he calls it "vegetating." Vegetate, meditate, it's all the same. We get into the relaxation zone. Heart rate slows, breathing becomes deep and even. It's something like pretending to sleep.

Other times I meditate alone. The best time is when the human goddess shuts the front door of the bedroom but forgets to shut the back one. I sneak onto the big bed and stretch out on the blankets with my feet up and my eyes closed. After a while I get into a trancelike state. It's relaxing. But if I hear someone at the door, I go from 0 to 60 in less than 2 seconds. Battle cry! Bark!

And then there is ...yoga for dogs.

Tribalism

Tribalism is a social system. The society is a self-perpetuating grouping occupying a particular territory and having its own distinctive culture and institutions. Got that?

Tribalism in dogs is called pack mentality. Sister and I realize that the humans are the Alphas in our pack. Alphas are sometimes known as Exalted Rulers, but if you ask me, that's taking it a bit too far. The hierarchy is a little confusing. I like to test the boundaries.

Pack mentality is why dogs like to sleep with one eye open during the day. It's not even real sleep, it's more like meditating. We're conserving our energy while waiting for the humans to come home so we can assemble as a pack. It's instinctive. We like to stick together. Sometimes I am known as "Velcro."

I was a weird puppy

Which of the following describe Z as a puppy?

• He was so hyperactive you could never catch him sleeping.
• He loved blankets, the more the merrier.
• He always wanted water. It was like an obsession!
• He was so tough he could only have "indestructible" toys.
• He had some separation anxiety issues: If he was being cuddled by one person, he whined because he wanted attention from everyone in the room at the same time.

Big surprise ...all of the above.

Love-hate relationship

I can hear it in the distance. It rolls up the street with its engine rumbling. The hyper-mega monster on wheels. The sound of the hydraulic brakes are a carefully nuanced threat. It's huge, it's mean, it's brown, and it's stopping in front of my house. Red alert! Battle cry! Bark! Someone is climbing out of the belly of this monster. He's wearing a uniform. He looks like he has evil intentions. He knocks on the door. Sister and I want to tear him up. We bark ferociously. We're protecting our territory. We hate this guy. He leaves a package on the porch. A bomb? Then he hurries away to bother someone else.

Oh. It's a package for us. Chocolate Nylabones, our favorite! What a nice man. I'm feeling conflicted, but I don't care.

There's so much you don't know about us

But you're learning.

ABC News Original Report
Sounds of Dog's 'Laugh' Calms Other Pooches

Dec. 4, 2005 — Researchers at the Spokane County Regional Animal Protection Service in Washington state say sometimes a bark is just a bark -- but a long, loud panting sound has real meaning. They say the long, loud pant is the sound of a dog laughing, and it has a direct impact on the behavior of other dogs. "What we found is that it had a calming or soothing effect on the dogs," said Patricia Simonet, an animal behaviorist in Spokane who has studied everything from hamster culture to elephant self-recognition. "Now, we actually really weren't expecting that."

Nancy Hill, director of Spokane County Animal Protection, admits she was skeptical at first that this noise would affect the other dogs. "I thought: Laughing dogs?" Hill said. "A sound that we're gonna isolate and play in the shelter? I was a real skeptic … until we played the recording here at the shelter."

When they played the sound of a dog panting over the loudspeaker, the gaggle of dogs at the shelter kept right on barking. But when they played the dog version of laughing, all 15 barking dogs went quiet within about a minute. "It was a night-and-day difference," Hill said. "It was absolutely phenomenal." Officials say it works every time, and researchers across the country are taking note. "The laughing sound that they make is something that was not even considered a vocalization until this study was done," Simonet said.

Those who study dog behavior have varying opinions about exactly what Patricia Simonet's "dog laughing" sound really is. What they do agree on, however, is that to other dogs, it is at least a sound worth keeping quiet to listen to.
Copyright © 2005 ABC News Internet Ventures

Yesterday I said "Arf."

I needed to go outside. The usual growl-bark-whine combination was getting me nowhere. The humans were ignoring me. After repeating the growl-bark-whine several times, I began to feel a creeping sense of frustration as well as an ever-increasing urgency to pee.

Then I said it. "Arf." It sounded just like you spell it. "Arf." It was a total cliché. Conversation stopped for a second. Then, "Did he say Arf?" "Next thing you know, he'll be saying Bow Wow."

Very funny.

I'm a dog. Sometimes dogs say Arf.

My specialty is the early morning high-pitched whine. But I can say arugula. I can say "Humboldt, a robber." And one time I said "road map of England."

Violent games are best

Is aggression an undeniable part of our nature? If dogs had weapons, would we use them? Are we innately monstrous? Do I look like some kind of atavism?

Forget the hypothetical anthropology. I love a good growl and the occasional snarl. It makes me feel beastly and powerful. I'm a peaceable creature, except when provoked. Or when I'm feeling ignored and I want to play.

My favorite game is "Robber, Robber." I invented it. I take a toy (usually an "indestructable" ball) from the blue plastic bin, and approach one of my humans. I set the toy on the floor and growl "robber-robber," while daring one of them to try to steal the toy. If they move toward me, I grab the toy and run. They chase me around the house. A series of stops and fake-outs ensues. It's almost like football. If no one wants to play, I get a little rough. I deposit the toy directly at the feet of a human, and make demanding sounds. Sometimes they give in, sometimes they say impolite things.

My sister's favorite game is "Bang! I Shoot You!" The human goddess gives the directions:

SIT. Then, DOWN. Then she aims her hand like a gun and says:

BANG! I SHOOT YOU!

My sister rolls over and acts mortally wounded. After a few seconds, the human says "ALIVE!" And then my sister jumps up and gets a treat. I never play this game, but I get a treat just for being there. I love it.

Pavlov in Circadia

This morning we had our scoops of food and our drinks of water, same as every other morning.

We went outside to use the bathroom.

We came back in.

At that very same moment, our Man came home from work. I know this because he walked in the front door, and he was wearing his nice work clothes and The Black Shoes. Hey!!! This is great! I love you!!! I run in circles! I lick The Black Shoes because I'm so happy to see you!

What? He was only bringing in the newspaper? He's saying goodbye and going back out the door?

You'll have to excuse me for looking stunned. Someone changed the rules without telling me.

The importance of being vigilant

The worst thing in the world is the mailman. You should see him, he's really scary. My sister and I have to protect our people and our house from him. He sneaks up on the porch, wearing some kind of military uniform. I think sometimes he wants to steal our food, or even put a bomb or anthrax in our mailbox. But we scare him good! We bark so loud it makes him jump. We sound much bigger than we are. My sister sounds like a Rottweiler. I sound like a Doberman.
We're a good team.